but i feel all alone.
I may have a bunch of friends. And I may have about 5 legit Best Friends, but somehow i feel all alone. I think I just spent 15 minutes in the shower crying. And im not stooping to that level I did 2 years ago. or 3...whatever. What is time anymore anyway?
I wish something good would happen for me. Ok so, nothing bad has happened recently but, i suppose nothing good ethier. I feel so lost. I look at my AIM everyday waiting for someone to come on that I can spill to... but, its like that person doesnt exsist. Almost 25 ppl can b on but id prefer being alone? Yes, I have Best friends and if youre reading this, dont take anything personally. I just dont no whats wrong with me.
Maybe hopes are too high? Dreams are too big? and im afraid its all gna come crashing down? Idk. But this feeling is not the best. EVERYTHING I do... its so, difficult? I wish i could write something on here to whine about but... I cant pinpoint it.
Im actually going to stop typing now... my rambling doesnt help but my thoughts r down i suppose.
*sigh*
Added:
Oh yeah, thats the other thing that set me off. My mom is all like wheres the boyfriends? none in the picture? Why dont you go meet some guys? Hang out with a few from school. MOM ... i know ur looking out for me, thank you BUT 90% of the guys in my school smoke and drink all the time and do all that crap.. I have no patience for that... AND the other 10%? consists of ppl i would never think of dating as well as my guy friends who r just that. FRIENDS.
IM NOT THEM! I DNT HAVE A H.S. SWEETHEART. IT AINT GNA HAPPEN. at least know that I want to get married and cant wait to spend my life with someone I love and kids of my own... so, its not like im failing in that dept. My mind is on it. but im 17 and my mind is set for other things right now.
o.0 not helping.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I guess some bonds
they're unbreakable?
Its Thanksgiving. Good day so far.
Its really random that I bring this up... I dont understand...I REALLY dislike you and your dysfunctional family and somehow, even though we are nothing anymore, i miss you. so much. There are days when something reminds me of you and I just cry. over and over. You were my BEST friend. How could you just let that go? You didnt have one word to defend yourself and us. I suppose I didnt ethier but I was just so sick of you and him. I guess you never will see things the way I do? Idk. I just wish you werent so stubborn. Anytime I was ever brutally honest with you, it was NEVER to hurt you. Youre like my little sister. I wanted to make sure you came out on top. I wanted to make sure you never got hurt. And then theres your family. I guess I have nothing to say. Your family is like my family and I feel like Ive been completely disowned without explanation. There are SO many things I HATE bout you and your family. But, at the same time, there are so many things i LOVE and miss. But, I cant let you hold me back anymore. I mean, in the end, my mom was terribly upset by you and your family...She just wanted to make sure the friendship was still there. The immaturity level on ur end was not reasonable and she said things, but i suppose they needed to be announced and attended to... Idk if i could ever forgive that tho....well Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I need to let that go and move on.
=/ As I write this I hold back tears. I feel weak crying because of you. My mom saw your dad pass her this morning, when she told me I got so excited thinking somehow I could get in touch with you. Well these are my thoughts. Its not meant to change anything bc i dont believe i can go back to dealing with you again. Unless things have changed drastically since.
If I end up sending u this to u or u come across it, have fun reading...I dont ever want to hurt u and I dont mean to if i do... whatever...I want to know if you ever think of me. All those years as Best Friends werent for nothing, I hope?
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
one last thing, I no we grew up in 2 totally different environments...but, things wont always just be handed to you. Learn how to work for things, dont let it destroy you.
Please, Dont grow up too fast.
Its Thanksgiving. Good day so far.
Its really random that I bring this up... I dont understand...I REALLY dislike you and your dysfunctional family and somehow, even though we are nothing anymore, i miss you. so much. There are days when something reminds me of you and I just cry. over and over. You were my BEST friend. How could you just let that go? You didnt have one word to defend yourself and us. I suppose I didnt ethier but I was just so sick of you and him. I guess you never will see things the way I do? Idk. I just wish you werent so stubborn. Anytime I was ever brutally honest with you, it was NEVER to hurt you. Youre like my little sister. I wanted to make sure you came out on top. I wanted to make sure you never got hurt. And then theres your family. I guess I have nothing to say. Your family is like my family and I feel like Ive been completely disowned without explanation. There are SO many things I HATE bout you and your family. But, at the same time, there are so many things i LOVE and miss. But, I cant let you hold me back anymore. I mean, in the end, my mom was terribly upset by you and your family...She just wanted to make sure the friendship was still there. The immaturity level on ur end was not reasonable and she said things, but i suppose they needed to be announced and attended to... Idk if i could ever forgive that tho....well Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I need to let that go and move on.
=/ As I write this I hold back tears. I feel weak crying because of you. My mom saw your dad pass her this morning, when she told me I got so excited thinking somehow I could get in touch with you. Well these are my thoughts. Its not meant to change anything bc i dont believe i can go back to dealing with you again. Unless things have changed drastically since.
If I end up sending u this to u or u come across it, have fun reading...I dont ever want to hurt u and I dont mean to if i do... whatever...I want to know if you ever think of me. All those years as Best Friends werent for nothing, I hope?
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
one last thing, I no we grew up in 2 totally different environments...but, things wont always just be handed to you. Learn how to work for things, dont let it destroy you.
Please, Dont grow up too fast.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Come cry with me...
Lets cry, lets cry away.
Sick... ugh = ( l0l. Stupid stomach virus. No idea bout school tomorrow yet. hmph.
Well anyways updates:
Found out today that we finally got my whole fam to go to our Disney Family trip in Dec.! something we havent done in.... idk 5 years? Damn. Its def something i miss. Probably way too much. Idk if i can wait til dec for it to happen but well see. =]
So, me being sick has made me miss my vocal lesson today = ( So depressing! l0l
Currently working on a song to record as a demo! hopefully itll work out.
Now to the blahblah stuff... bc a blog is never really a blog without the blahblah stuff right?! l0l
Well, it has just occured to me that one person will be missing out on our disney trip in dec. Bc they broke up. 0.o
Get your damn priorities straight man. I should take ur side in all this cause youre family, but, idk. I mean im torn between both here... theres a lot of things uve done wrong and a lot of things shes done wrong...but, at least she was ...idk. Loyal? maybe to attached,yes... but this seems to be a pattern now? Will u ever lie your life out in front of u and choose a path? youre like life bipolar. Its unreal. Well, good luck with ur issues...hey maybe ull stop smoking now? Jerk.
Moving on... Ive lost my bestest friend ever. Shes crazy. like, legit insane.Like, no matter what she did wrong, or said wrong, i always ran back to stand up for her and stay by her side... I could never say no to you. you were my best friend,my little sister...I dont want to admit it but, EVERYTHING reminds me of you. I hate you for it. We did everything together... but like someone else i no, you couldnt get ur priorities straight ethier. Im warning u now tho, ur wasting ur time with him. Hes older, in college, and ur 15!! You do things to him that shouldnt b on ur list of things to do. U no very well hes at college right now doing something with someone else. I wont say cheating bc ur not dating. Stop living in ur fantasy world. Even if he is loyal to u right now(which i HIGHLY doubt), you no after some time u wont b enough for him...and then ull b thrown aside. I mean, obvious sign... when his sister-(your friend..uh awkward?)- is home, he doesnt let u over his house. HES EMBARASSED... if he rly likes you, he wouldnt b embarassed to show ur beautiful face to the world while holding hands with you. Thats not how things work. Un.Real.
I guess i should stop worrying tho, if u wna get hurt and too attached and get beat down emotionally, thats ur problem... u have a mother who should be telling u this, not me... but nevermind, i forgot shes on the same maturity level as you.. or should i say immaturity level...
Well, im not one to watch ppl get hurt and then i say to their face i told u so... but...i will do it.. bc i NO im right... Well have a nice life... good luck with that family issue uve got... oh and make sure ur little sister ends up NOTHING like u... altho i dont see that happening... 10x worse perhaps?
0.o
Sick... ugh = ( l0l. Stupid stomach virus. No idea bout school tomorrow yet. hmph.
Well anyways updates:
Found out today that we finally got my whole fam to go to our Disney Family trip in Dec.! something we havent done in.... idk 5 years? Damn. Its def something i miss. Probably way too much. Idk if i can wait til dec for it to happen but well see. =]
So, me being sick has made me miss my vocal lesson today = ( So depressing! l0l
Currently working on a song to record as a demo! hopefully itll work out.
Now to the blahblah stuff... bc a blog is never really a blog without the blahblah stuff right?! l0l
Well, it has just occured to me that one person will be missing out on our disney trip in dec. Bc they broke up. 0.o
Get your damn priorities straight man. I should take ur side in all this cause youre family, but, idk. I mean im torn between both here... theres a lot of things uve done wrong and a lot of things shes done wrong...but, at least she was ...idk. Loyal? maybe to attached,yes... but this seems to be a pattern now? Will u ever lie your life out in front of u and choose a path? youre like life bipolar. Its unreal. Well, good luck with ur issues...hey maybe ull stop smoking now? Jerk.
Moving on... Ive lost my bestest friend ever. Shes crazy. like, legit insane.Like, no matter what she did wrong, or said wrong, i always ran back to stand up for her and stay by her side... I could never say no to you. you were my best friend,my little sister...I dont want to admit it but, EVERYTHING reminds me of you. I hate you for it. We did everything together... but like someone else i no, you couldnt get ur priorities straight ethier. Im warning u now tho, ur wasting ur time with him. Hes older, in college, and ur 15!! You do things to him that shouldnt b on ur list of things to do. U no very well hes at college right now doing something with someone else. I wont say cheating bc ur not dating. Stop living in ur fantasy world. Even if he is loyal to u right now(which i HIGHLY doubt), you no after some time u wont b enough for him...and then ull b thrown aside. I mean, obvious sign... when his sister-(your friend..uh awkward?)- is home, he doesnt let u over his house. HES EMBARASSED... if he rly likes you, he wouldnt b embarassed to show ur beautiful face to the world while holding hands with you. Thats not how things work. Un.Real.
I guess i should stop worrying tho, if u wna get hurt and too attached and get beat down emotionally, thats ur problem... u have a mother who should be telling u this, not me... but nevermind, i forgot shes on the same maturity level as you.. or should i say immaturity level...
Well, im not one to watch ppl get hurt and then i say to their face i told u so... but...i will do it.. bc i NO im right... Well have a nice life... good luck with that family issue uve got... oh and make sure ur little sister ends up NOTHING like u... altho i dont see that happening... 10x worse perhaps?
0.o
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