Haven't taken to this thing in awhile

I just feel like screaming. Yaaa over the stupidest shit but still.
I hate college. Like I haven't even started yet but I hate it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I think I graduated from high school last week right? Sooooo whytf do I have to take the most bs courses
That have nothing to do with my life. I'm majoring as of right now in photography... So you'd think photo courses right? Uhhh no
I have to take 2 math classes, 1 of them being 2 days a week... For what?!?!?!?!?!? And thennnn I have to take English,alright whatever
,and a student success course...WTF is that??
ANd ive just been informed thAt I have to take physical education ... I'm sorry WHAT??!!!????!!! I didn't graduate to high school... I graduated to college.. So please inform me on. What I'm missing.
This is such a joke, and on top of that I hate driving and I have to drive 4 days a week...maybe 5 all the way to the ccollege... Oh wait hahahahahah my favorite part... I'm majoring in photo and there s only one class offered ... At 6 at night and the lab at 7-1050... Jokkkee?????
So now at work I'd have to put in that I can't work tues wed thur... Mon I'm home early enough. Sooo goodbye Friday nights and Saturday late mornings.
God srsly fml. Idk WTF I wan do in life yet And I get treated like I'm a failure bc of that. My dad frickin compared me to my Bff bc she had her god damn life planned out. Well sue me for not being perfect bc I'm pretty damn sure I'm not doing too bad... Especially of were gna start making comparisons. Gahh someone please tell me if I all wrong.

Ughhh well...the plus side to all this is I typed this on. My grad present... iPad <3

Aint that a slap in the face.

I was cleaning up my piece of crap computer (the hard drive is full? ... thank you apple) and i came across word doc... from 07'. Now that I read it, i remember writing it... I cant remember if the project was to write to your BFF-stuff youd never say bc they wouldnt take it seriously or write to your BFF-send out for reactions... idr whatever... here it is.

December 11,2007

Dear L,

You have been my best friend since I was about nine and you were seven. We met through horseback riding. Somehow you remember how we met better than I do. I still think its funny how you told me that our mothers just introduced us and we just clicked. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me as a best friend. We are so close that a best friend doesn’t even describe our relationship anymore. I prefer calling you the sister I never had. We have had our fights like sisters and sometimes we can’t stand each other but in the end, I think it brings us closer.

I love how you are so bubbly all the time. Sometimes I think that being bored doesn’t exist when I am around you. Even when we sit around with nothing to do, we find something to discuss or laugh about non-stop. Or we just watch Spongebob and eat.

It is so funny how we love doing the same things, such as horseback riding, eating, singing, and “jumping”. Our voices together when we sing are awesome and we definitely should go sing together somewhere in public.  Something else that I find to be funny is how we love things that not many of our other friends love. Such as h2o, roller-skating, and Xanadu just to name a few. Speaking of Roller Magic, we really need to go there again sometime soon.

Even though you are younger than me, it doesn’t matter. Some of my friends wonder how my best friend ever is younger than me but I believe that if they met you, they probably would not wonder anymore. My idea of a best friend is someone I can trust, someone I can love enough to call a sister, and someone I can always have fun with no matter what I do. You are all of those things. I do not know what I would do without you because I tell you everything and I have never regretted it.

I want to thank you for everything you have done for me and for always being the best friend ever. I know I will continue to trust you and I will always be there for you whenever you need me.

Love your bestest,
Jen

I might futureme email this letter... but more like futureyou email... it wouldnt b to myself l0l.

Youll have to cry me out

The tears that I'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself


Seriously? Its February 19. I still waste my time wiping away mascara stains. Theres not a day that goes by that i think of what Id be doing today if we were back to what we were. Why i waste my time? Ive no clue. But, it just amazes me how u can drop and forget. What im waiting for is for you to drop...fall...and keep falling til you hit rock bottom and you realize every mistake in your life. Now, I know with the Nature vs. Nurture crap, you'll never hit "rock bottom" as long as youve got that green stuff.
"The love of money is the root of all evil." They say. In the teen years you tend to be in denial. Money is amazing. It gets you whatever you want!
No, its not amazing. It cant buy love, truth,honesty,friendship or anything that matters most in life.
Whateverrrr.

Other friends? I dont know. Ever since "stuff" happened, I really don't want to get close to anyone. I feel like ill be abandoned again. Stupid feeling, Stupid reason but whatever. And then, i guess because of what im used to, Im getting angry at one friend in particular. Like, seriously, I take her EVERYWHERE and do everything with her and I dont expect anything back but, ughhhh!!! I hate BEING DITCHED FOR THOSE "FRIENDS". we make plans and you ditch me for them... now ive got nothing to do after prom. Wth.

And last but not least, the family. I love my family. So much. Really, its unexplainable, id never disown anyoneee... But, when u disrespect the parents after EVERYTHING they do for you? thats were i draw the line. Youre angry that I havent made contact with you? like srsly, did you even try ? "no!" ... You two are so hypocritical. I really dont want to say anymore but really, take a step back and watch everything happen from the outside as well, youll see that theres alot of blame on yourself and you cant throw the blame wherever you want.

Maybe its just me...

but i feel all alone.


I may have a bunch of friends. And I may have about 5 legit Best Friends, but somehow i feel all alone. I think I just spent 15 minutes in the shower crying. And im not stooping to that level I did 2 years ago. or 3...whatever. What is time anymore anyway?
I wish something good would happen for me. Ok so, nothing bad has happened recently but, i suppose nothing good ethier. I feel so lost. I look at my AIM everyday waiting for someone to come on that I can spill to... but, its like that person doesnt exsist. Almost 25 ppl can b on but id prefer being alone? Yes, I have Best friends and if youre reading this, dont take anything personally. I just dont no whats wrong with me.

Maybe hopes are too high? Dreams are too big? and im afraid its all gna come crashing down? Idk. But this feeling is not the best. EVERYTHING I do... its so, difficult? I wish i could write something on here to whine about but... I cant pinpoint it.

Im actually going to stop typing now... my rambling doesnt help but my thoughts r down i suppose.

*sigh*

Added:

Oh yeah, thats the other thing that set me off. My mom is all like wheres the boyfriends? none in the picture? Why dont you go meet some guys? Hang out with a few from school. MOM ... i know ur looking out for me, thank you BUT 90% of the guys in my school smoke and drink all the time and do all that crap.. I have no patience for that... AND the other 10%? consists of ppl i would never think of dating as well as my guy friends who r just that. FRIENDS.
IM NOT THEM! I DNT HAVE A H.S. SWEETHEART. IT AINT GNA HAPPEN. at least know that I want to get married and cant wait to spend my life with someone I love and kids of my own... so, its not like im failing in that dept. My mind is on it. but im 17 and my mind is set for other things right now.

o.0 not helping.

I guess some bonds

they're unbreakable?


Its Thanksgiving. Good day so far.

Its really random that I bring this up... I dont understand...I REALLY dislike you and your dysfunctional family and somehow, even though we are nothing anymore, i miss you. so much. There are days when something reminds me of you and I just cry. over and over. You were my BEST friend. How could you just let that go? You didnt have one word to defend yourself and us. I suppose I didnt ethier but I was just so sick of you and him. I guess you never will see things the way I do? Idk. I just wish you werent so stubborn. Anytime I was ever brutally honest with you, it was NEVER to hurt you. Youre like my little sister. I wanted to make sure you came out on top. I wanted to make sure you never got hurt. And then theres your family. I guess I have nothing to say. Your family is like my family and I feel like Ive been completely disowned without explanation. There are SO many things I HATE bout you and your family. But, at the same time, there are so many things i LOVE and miss. But, I cant let you hold me back anymore. I mean, in the end, my mom was terribly upset by you and your family...She just wanted to make sure the friendship was still there. The immaturity level on ur end was not reasonable and she said things, but i suppose they needed to be announced and attended to... Idk if i could ever forgive that tho....well Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I need to let that go and move on.
=/ As I write this I hold back tears. I feel weak crying because of you. My mom saw your dad pass her this morning, when she told me I got so excited thinking somehow I could get in touch with you. Well these are my thoughts. Its not meant to change anything bc i dont believe i can go back to dealing with you again. Unless things have changed drastically since.
If I end up sending u this to u or u come across it, have fun reading...I dont ever want to hurt u and I dont mean to if i do... whatever...I want to know if you ever think of me. All those years as Best Friends werent for nothing, I hope?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

one last thing, I no we grew up in 2 totally different environments...but, things wont always just be handed to you. Learn how to work for things, dont let it destroy you.
Please, Dont grow up too fast.

Come cry with me...

Lets cry, lets cry away.


Sick... ugh = ( l0l. Stupid stomach virus. No idea bout school tomorrow yet. hmph.
Well anyways updates:

Found out today that we finally got my whole fam to go to our Disney Family trip in Dec.! something we havent done in.... idk 5 years? Damn. Its def something i miss. Probably way too much. Idk if i can wait til dec for it to happen but well see. =]

So, me being sick has made me miss my vocal lesson today = ( So depressing! l0l
Currently working on a song to record as a demo! hopefully itll work out.

Now to the blahblah stuff... bc a blog is never really a blog without the blahblah stuff right?! l0l

Well, it has just occured to me that one person will be missing out on our disney trip in dec. Bc they broke up. 0.o
Get your damn priorities straight man. I should take ur side in all this cause youre family, but, idk. I mean im torn between both here... theres a lot of things uve done wrong and a lot of things shes done wrong...but, at least she was ...idk. Loyal? maybe to attached,yes... but this seems to be a pattern now? Will u ever lie your life out in front of u and choose a path? youre like life bipolar. Its unreal. Well, good luck with ur issues...hey maybe ull stop smoking now? Jerk.



Moving on... Ive lost my bestest friend ever. Shes crazy. like, legit insane.Like, no matter what she did wrong, or said wrong, i always ran back to stand up for her and stay by her side... I could never say no to you. you were my best friend,my little sister...I dont want to admit it but, EVERYTHING reminds me of you. I hate you for it. We did everything together... but like someone else i no, you couldnt get ur priorities straight ethier. Im warning u now tho, ur wasting ur time with him. Hes older, in college, and ur 15!! You do things to him that shouldnt b on ur list of things to do. U no very well hes at college right now doing something with someone else. I wont say cheating bc ur not dating. Stop living in ur fantasy world. Even if he is loyal to u right now(which i HIGHLY doubt), you no after some time u wont b enough for him...and then ull b thrown aside. I mean, obvious sign... when his sister-(your friend..uh awkward?)- is home, he doesnt let u over his house. HES EMBARASSED... if he rly likes you, he wouldnt b embarassed to show ur beautiful face to the world while holding hands with you. Thats not how things work. Un.Real.
I guess i should stop worrying tho, if u wna get hurt and too attached and get beat down emotionally, thats ur problem... u have a mother who should be telling u this, not me... but nevermind, i forgot shes on the same maturity level as you.. or should i say immaturity level...
Well, im not one to watch ppl get hurt and then i say to their face i told u so... but...i will do it.. bc i NO im right... Well have a nice life... good luck with that family issue uve got... oh and make sure ur little sister ends up NOTHING like u... altho i dont see that happening... 10x worse perhaps?


0.o

Ohhh Anxiety....

So, im not going to florida until December.
That may not be far for a mini vacation but, still...for me...im dying inside. I want to move. NOW.

Ive been rather...blah lately... Like, I dont believe I have a any reason to be depressed or anything but, I dont have any reason to happy and joyful about life... So im stuck in the BLAH stage. So descriptive huh?

But, breaking up with... Mr. Emotionless ...helped a bit i suppose. Of course i already got myself stuck hanging with someone else. Not..stuck per say but caught up in something new..only to be let down..
I was soooo excited for homecoming with a date and all, and then... he says im sorry, i cant go... I cant blame him bc supposedly his dad needs him for something but... i dont plan on going now. =/ idk


And then on top of everything im just frustrated.. Honestly, I dont even know anymore. Im all over and no where.