Maybe its just me...

but i feel all alone.


I may have a bunch of friends. And I may have about 5 legit Best Friends, but somehow i feel all alone. I think I just spent 15 minutes in the shower crying. And im not stooping to that level I did 2 years ago. or 3...whatever. What is time anymore anyway?
I wish something good would happen for me. Ok so, nothing bad has happened recently but, i suppose nothing good ethier. I feel so lost. I look at my AIM everyday waiting for someone to come on that I can spill to... but, its like that person doesnt exsist. Almost 25 ppl can b on but id prefer being alone? Yes, I have Best friends and if youre reading this, dont take anything personally. I just dont no whats wrong with me.

Maybe hopes are too high? Dreams are too big? and im afraid its all gna come crashing down? Idk. But this feeling is not the best. EVERYTHING I do... its so, difficult? I wish i could write something on here to whine about but... I cant pinpoint it.

Im actually going to stop typing now... my rambling doesnt help but my thoughts r down i suppose.

*sigh*

Added:

Oh yeah, thats the other thing that set me off. My mom is all like wheres the boyfriends? none in the picture? Why dont you go meet some guys? Hang out with a few from school. MOM ... i know ur looking out for me, thank you BUT 90% of the guys in my school smoke and drink all the time and do all that crap.. I have no patience for that... AND the other 10%? consists of ppl i would never think of dating as well as my guy friends who r just that. FRIENDS.
IM NOT THEM! I DNT HAVE A H.S. SWEETHEART. IT AINT GNA HAPPEN. at least know that I want to get married and cant wait to spend my life with someone I love and kids of my own... so, its not like im failing in that dept. My mind is on it. but im 17 and my mind is set for other things right now.

o.0 not helping.

I guess some bonds

they're unbreakable?


Its Thanksgiving. Good day so far.

Its really random that I bring this up... I dont understand...I REALLY dislike you and your dysfunctional family and somehow, even though we are nothing anymore, i miss you. so much. There are days when something reminds me of you and I just cry. over and over. You were my BEST friend. How could you just let that go? You didnt have one word to defend yourself and us. I suppose I didnt ethier but I was just so sick of you and him. I guess you never will see things the way I do? Idk. I just wish you werent so stubborn. Anytime I was ever brutally honest with you, it was NEVER to hurt you. Youre like my little sister. I wanted to make sure you came out on top. I wanted to make sure you never got hurt. And then theres your family. I guess I have nothing to say. Your family is like my family and I feel like Ive been completely disowned without explanation. There are SO many things I HATE bout you and your family. But, at the same time, there are so many things i LOVE and miss. But, I cant let you hold me back anymore. I mean, in the end, my mom was terribly upset by you and your family...She just wanted to make sure the friendship was still there. The immaturity level on ur end was not reasonable and she said things, but i suppose they needed to be announced and attended to... Idk if i could ever forgive that tho....well Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I need to let that go and move on.
=/ As I write this I hold back tears. I feel weak crying because of you. My mom saw your dad pass her this morning, when she told me I got so excited thinking somehow I could get in touch with you. Well these are my thoughts. Its not meant to change anything bc i dont believe i can go back to dealing with you again. Unless things have changed drastically since.
If I end up sending u this to u or u come across it, have fun reading...I dont ever want to hurt u and I dont mean to if i do... whatever...I want to know if you ever think of me. All those years as Best Friends werent for nothing, I hope?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

one last thing, I no we grew up in 2 totally different environments...but, things wont always just be handed to you. Learn how to work for things, dont let it destroy you.
Please, Dont grow up too fast.

Come cry with me...

Lets cry, lets cry away.


Sick... ugh = ( l0l. Stupid stomach virus. No idea bout school tomorrow yet. hmph.
Well anyways updates:

Found out today that we finally got my whole fam to go to our Disney Family trip in Dec.! something we havent done in.... idk 5 years? Damn. Its def something i miss. Probably way too much. Idk if i can wait til dec for it to happen but well see. =]

So, me being sick has made me miss my vocal lesson today = ( So depressing! l0l
Currently working on a song to record as a demo! hopefully itll work out.

Now to the blahblah stuff... bc a blog is never really a blog without the blahblah stuff right?! l0l

Well, it has just occured to me that one person will be missing out on our disney trip in dec. Bc they broke up. 0.o
Get your damn priorities straight man. I should take ur side in all this cause youre family, but, idk. I mean im torn between both here... theres a lot of things uve done wrong and a lot of things shes done wrong...but, at least she was ...idk. Loyal? maybe to attached,yes... but this seems to be a pattern now? Will u ever lie your life out in front of u and choose a path? youre like life bipolar. Its unreal. Well, good luck with ur issues...hey maybe ull stop smoking now? Jerk.



Moving on... Ive lost my bestest friend ever. Shes crazy. like, legit insane.Like, no matter what she did wrong, or said wrong, i always ran back to stand up for her and stay by her side... I could never say no to you. you were my best friend,my little sister...I dont want to admit it but, EVERYTHING reminds me of you. I hate you for it. We did everything together... but like someone else i no, you couldnt get ur priorities straight ethier. Im warning u now tho, ur wasting ur time with him. Hes older, in college, and ur 15!! You do things to him that shouldnt b on ur list of things to do. U no very well hes at college right now doing something with someone else. I wont say cheating bc ur not dating. Stop living in ur fantasy world. Even if he is loyal to u right now(which i HIGHLY doubt), you no after some time u wont b enough for him...and then ull b thrown aside. I mean, obvious sign... when his sister-(your friend..uh awkward?)- is home, he doesnt let u over his house. HES EMBARASSED... if he rly likes you, he wouldnt b embarassed to show ur beautiful face to the world while holding hands with you. Thats not how things work. Un.Real.
I guess i should stop worrying tho, if u wna get hurt and too attached and get beat down emotionally, thats ur problem... u have a mother who should be telling u this, not me... but nevermind, i forgot shes on the same maturity level as you.. or should i say immaturity level...
Well, im not one to watch ppl get hurt and then i say to their face i told u so... but...i will do it.. bc i NO im right... Well have a nice life... good luck with that family issue uve got... oh and make sure ur little sister ends up NOTHING like u... altho i dont see that happening... 10x worse perhaps?


0.o

Ohhh Anxiety....

So, im not going to florida until December.
That may not be far for a mini vacation but, still...for me...im dying inside. I want to move. NOW.

Ive been rather...blah lately... Like, I dont believe I have a any reason to be depressed or anything but, I dont have any reason to happy and joyful about life... So im stuck in the BLAH stage. So descriptive huh?

But, breaking up with... Mr. Emotionless ...helped a bit i suppose. Of course i already got myself stuck hanging with someone else. Not..stuck per say but caught up in something new..only to be let down..
I was soooo excited for homecoming with a date and all, and then... he says im sorry, i cant go... I cant blame him bc supposedly his dad needs him for something but... i dont plan on going now. =/ idk


And then on top of everything im just frustrated.. Honestly, I dont even know anymore. Im all over and no where.

Catepillar in the tree

How you wonder who youll be
Cant go far but you can always dream.

Meh...
a few things im pissed/upset and whatever about...anyways...

Number one... School started today...scratch that..hell started today.
I HATE my schedule.. itll probably get better and stuff but I wish I could do last year all over again= / I dont have sociology still and im gna keep complaining til i get it.

Number two... Im stuck... you piss me off so much. I might actually give up soon. HAH and u said u didnt want a relationship bc ud feel tied down...how bout u stop caring bout how u feel and start caring about others?! because u make ME feel tied down bc im afraid ill say something stupid and ull get pissed or something.. u have NO emotions NO personality and u rly couldnt give a shit that im here, next to u...whatever. happy one POINTLESS month.

number three... I hate NJ i wna move. I cant stand it here. I want to go to college in florida. But im stuck here too bc... im not sure whats gna happen with singing. I want a damn recording contract which is why im excited for this new teacher i have. He sounds successful and sounds like he could help me out but idk. well see...

number four... i have no idea what to do in college and im PISSED that theres no Parapsychology in colleges in the U.S. wow so bc theres no SOLID science shit for it that means colleges shouldnt have it? un.be.lievable. Scotland is too damn far ugh

Number five... this is actually a random addition... I wna go to finland and learn the language... anyone up to joining me? ugh



LIFE FAIL.

Ups and Downs.

I feel so distant sometimes.

I dont mean to be soooo annoying. You say its all good and that im not annoying but i cant help but feel like I am. My friend asks me if any of this is worth it and i said honestly I dont know yet. And then hes all optimistic about how relationships happen for a reason and each one teaches a lesson whether or not its going to work out to be your life or just a small relationship. Idk. but, i listened and learned a bit.

I like how u were there for me and actually asked me what was wrong. And im glad you listened. I needed to get that out.
So i suppose whatever happens is worth it because youre so different, im learning that not everyone is the same and you will always get treated differently. I am willing to try this whole different stuff too. But id like it if you gave a bit too. Im not asking you to change yourself, im not asking you to give up your life. Just hang with me sometimes, invite me some places. make me feel a little bit wanted?(and not just when im with you) send me those good morning texts and call me yours. thats all!

It sounds so dumb but, after watching joey and tara for their 9 yrs together, i feel pressured. I feel like ill never ever have any of that. Well see...



<3

You mean the world to me

Even though you might be crazy.

I dont even know what to say. To you, Im sorry, I couldnt go on because i just didnt feel anything in that way. You kissed me and Im just not getting anything. You are the sweetest most amazing person ever and i hope friendship will do. I regret hurting you but I can pretend to like you, in the end we would be both hurt and 2196478X worse. Dont ever give up though, you will find your girl. The perfect one for you.

To you, Im not even sure what to say. That one night I was actually relieved. Now that were getting close again im afraid you wont follow thru and yet something tells me just to go for it anyway just try... I wish you cared about me alot more so that when we hang out it isnt the only time i feel cared for. But, I have feelings for u and u have them for me, Im going to try this and I want to see where it takes us. I really really enjoyed yesterday and being able to talk about the things we did. Well see.....


So i dont even know where I am right now. Total mood swings but im looking forward to tonight. hmphhh.

Youre a Trainwreck
But I wouldnt love you if you changed.

Call me old Fashioned....

I was bored. l0l
So i decided to write somethinggg.
Ive just been thinking so much. maybe too much. Oh and i suppose ive been reading too much and watching too much tv. lmao
Ugh. Basically im thinking about how badly I want that... "perfect in my eyes" guy... im only 17, idk WHY i care about that now. haha i guess with all the wedding stuff tho, its kinda hard not to think about this stuff. and then im watching tv love stories and reading books with lots of love. but, anyways, Im sick and tired of the people around here. Gah, like, Why cant everyone be who they want? has anyone noticed that everyone is the same person? no one has class, personality,respect or manners. Im sick of it.
I feel like im thinking about growing up too quickly but idk. Is it THAT hard to ask that i meet someone who I picture perfect? like is it wrong to want a guy who
-is sweet
-nos how to b romantic
-Loves to joke
-nos how to listen
-stands up for me?

thats most important i suppose because i cant seem to find that in ANYONE around here. of course then again i am 17 and i no guys def ARENT mature at all yet. well, eventually but, I guess i could just wish i had that now...just to b sure that thats what i get in the future. hmm

=/

The Erin and Jen Adventure= D

Ok soooo... erin is over. =D

we were so bored we went on a mini road trip turning whenever we felt like it lmao!
It twasss fun. First we went down 516 and then after that who knows where!... we screamed the F**K you song at lights! LOL.....We ended up driving thru colts neck=D and then i found a narrow road and we drove down the whole thing... it was scary. I didnt no what to do!! The houses were strange. I thot a guy with a shotgun was gna come outta no where. lol!! so yea we got out my navi system anddd uhhh no service lmao. and when we did get a signal...we were in limbo/ pergutory ? hahahah

so next, we drove home but stopped at a psychic and omg... AWESOME. ahahha
I think everything sounded about right.
we did tarot readings...
the most amazing thing she said was, ur career will have you traveling alot and ur gna move to ny for it. =D sounds good to me even tho i hate the north. = ) modeling!?

Note for Erin: You will marry @ 26 and have 3 kids 1 girl 2 boys = )

lol... ok off to doing something else.
latttaaa!

F**k you, F**k you very very much....

hhahah im actually not in a bad mood. But the song F**k You by lily allen is crazy stuck in my head. Its so damn catchy. look it up = )

Even though im in an amazing mood, I still want to blog real quick about something.
YOU. lol no not YOU... you!!
yea.... anyways
Youre so annoying. I mean after the last argument we had im like laughing my ass off over it. Like im actually not mad at you, i just find you strangely annoying?...hahaha

I think what bothers me most is that you know that I like my parents trust and the other day you offered me a way of ignoring something simple they told me not to do. Why lose their trust over something so dumb?!?! and when i said no u were all like omg its not a big deal... now you know why I have a car, why my parents pay for my stuff why im allowed out why i dont get in trouble why i have a credit card ...why i get pretty much whatever i want. Im not a spoiled brat and im not trying to sound like a bitch but its all true. Because I have their trust, they are more giving to me. Now we know why you live like you do.

get over yourself.

and then the whole thing about u crying to me everytime you get screwed over? .... No comment. im usually very open to listening to people. but you have a new story EVERY WEEK about some guy uve met online and he screwed u over. ARe YOU EVER GNA LEARN!? obvi not. Well

im not here for you anymore and its SUCKS big time that i have to be your friend because im friends with themmm. UGH


k im done = )
time to go find myself a wine coolerrrr = ) yummy

Wont Blame it on Myself...

I'll blame it on the weatherman.

I cant go a day... not one day without fighting with my parents about my life. This is obviously about my job and how Im sick of it. Ok right, so i work 2 days a week.. but its no set schedule which is a bitch to deal with AND i alwayssss have new days that i have to put in that i cant work. Soon maybe, just maybe I'll get fired.
My Parents wont let me quit. Appearently im a child and im immature for not wanting to work those one or two days a week.. which is understandable... until you understand why i dont want to work those days.
I want to become a print model... runway would be nice too but i know im about 2 inches too short of that dream... u never know though....also i want to become a singer... If you know that business, you would understand that even if you are not working, youre working. Modeling takes lots of time.. lots of auditions lots of calls lots of finding the right agents. Singing takes lots of practice lots of work lots of finding the right songs and the right places to show off the talent.
Im busy tuesdays and thursdays... tuesdays= modeling classes... which i plan on taking more of. Thursdays= singing lessons.. which i plan on doing more with because soon im going to start singing places with my coaches band.

With no set schedule, I can't tell anyone my weeks plans bc, i dont no when im working. Half the time it ends up interfering with some plan or another. This may not seem as big of a deal to you, as it is to me.. but if I want to model and sing I KNOW i need to put all my effort into it. With school, school activites and work, im only putting in half and thats NOT going to get me far. Im just so done. I dont know what to do. My parents are clueless to the amount of work i need to put into what i want to do. They think its a free ride or something, i dont know.

Im lost...
Nothings working out for me
My parents are no help to me
I just dont know what to do anymore.



Whatever... 0.o

Give me Something to believe in.

Im, So, Confused.
lol... im not in a bad mood or anything just simply confused.
Confused about whats really going on in my life.
Confused about what i want
Confused about where id like to be.

He just makes me think so hard about things. haha. I feel like im wanted one day and not the next. But, im known to think too hard about things so i just try to ignore it. I cant though lol. I definitely have feelings for him and i just hope he feels the same.I need something to tell me that i should keep trying. At this rate, a really really close friendship is enough for me.

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try